Title: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
Author: Jessica Fern
Year of Publication: 2020
Series: NA
Series #: NA
Goodreads Rating (Avg.): 4.52
Goodreads Rating (Mine): 5
A child with a secure attachment style will likely grow up into an adult who feels worthy of love and seeks to create meaningful, healthy relationships with people who are physically and emotionally available. Securely functioning adults are comfortable with intimacy, closeness, and their need or desire for others.
– Polysecure by Jessica Fern
Synopsis: Jessica Fern explores the concept of polyamory (or consensual nonmonogamy) through the lens of the psychological theory of attachment.
Fern starts her book with an elaborate explanation of the various attachment styles – anxious/ preoccupied, avoidant/ dismissive, fearful/ disorganised and secure. She traces the origins of these styles and the ways they present in children and adults respectively. She also goes over the concepts of activating, deactivating, and hyperactivating the attachment styles. The first part of the book therefore not only lays an excellent foundation for its second part but also serves as a great standalone source of information that would be helpful for anyone, polyamorous or otherwise.
In its second part, Polysecure really dives into the point of its existence – the navigation of polyamorous relationships. Under the umbrella of monogamy, we are familiar with a set series of relationship escalations that roughly follow the sequence of dating, exclusive commitment, living together, engagement, marriage and child-rearing. In this sense, Fern points out that monogamy is a comparatively secure relationship orientation. The structure of relationship escalations provides a couple with greater security. For example, if someone is living with you, it’s easier to be secure in your relationship with them, because you know it’s more difficult for them to slip away from you.
On the other hand, Fern says, polyamorous relationships are by nature insecure. There is no element of exclusivity that you can rely on to enforce the parameters of your relationship. Polyamorous people need to get creative in their relationships. Boundaries, fidelity, and security all need to be examined from a perspective that doesn’t involve traditional structures and hierarchies. This requires us to come up with new and different ways of affirming our love for our partners.
This may seem like a daunting task. There’s no roadmap, and most polyamorous people are charting their own paths through unknown territories. Fortunately, Polysecure is here to help. Fern has painstakingly put together a list of questions to ask oneself and one’s partner, activities for people to work on together to gain a better understanding of themselves, their partners, and their relationship goals.
Not only did I find Polysecure to be incredibly helpful and informative, but I also find myself very grateful for having come across this book. It’s a must-read for anyone in non-traditional relationship structures, and even monogamous relationships would benefit from asking themselves the questions Fern has put together.
Feminist Quill 
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